Parenting the Parent in a Pandemic
Parenting in a Pandemic
As we near Mother’s Day in the U.S., after a long year of pandemic-ing (is that a word?), I’ve been thinking a lot about all the overwhelmed parents out there. A few months ago, I had some conversations with a few friends who are mothers, and they all told me about how they—and their fellow mom friends— were really struggling at this point in the pandemic.
It was as if they had been able to somehow hold on tightly all year, working hard to juggle everything, but now that spring was around the corner (and in some places, the re-opening of society was beginning), they felt like they simply could not hold on any longer.
And they said their kids couldn’t hold on any longer.
What does it look like when we “can’t hold on” any longer?
I reflected back to past seasons in my own motherhood: when I was a single mother of a 4-year-old juggling the demands of graduate school when I had no family or close friends nearby to help.
Or when my daughter was a little older and I was just beginning my career— working long hours in a stressful environment while trying to remain ever-present for her, both physically and emotionally.
Or even years later, when she entered adolescence and I (still a single mother) was trying to navigate so many stressors, not only in my own life but in hers as well.
There were so many times I thought to myself, “I cannot do this any longer.”
And there were a lot of tears. Lots of ‘em.
But somehow, someway, I got through it. And my daughter got through it.
And we were (and are) ok. In fact, I grew a lot through those experiences.
Admittedly, I never went through a pandemic as a parent of a young child. The pandemic has created extraordinarily challenging circumstances— for kids, yes, but most definitely for parents. I have no idea what it feels like right now for parents of little ones, kids in school, or teens. I can’t imagine being a single parent during this last year. And I work with many parents of adult children in their mid-to-late 20s who are struggling. Young adulthood is a significant developmental phase and right now, it’s doubly hard to navigate.
No, I don’t know exactly what it feels like to actively parent in a pandemic. I do know what it feels like to feel stressed beyond belief… so lonely and isolated… and scared and uncertain about what the future holds.
Now that my daughter is “grown and flown” (quite literally— she flew to Hawaii where she’s enjoying quite the adventure of island life!), I find myself with time and energy to spare to help other parents, particularly mothers, who find themselves burnt out, frustrated, stressed, exhausted, and maybe just a little bit resentful at times. (Women have made amazing strides in the workforce but they still carry the majority of the burden when it comes to parenting and housekeeping.)
CULTIVATE: Supporting Mothers’ Well-Being
I just wrapped up the initial launch of CULTIVATE, a group coaching and parent support program for smart, busy, creative mothers interested in improving their own well-being so they can show up as the best parent they can be! Moms from across the U.S. time zones checked in weekly for live, virtual group calls where they shared openly and honestly about the challenges they faced as moms, as well as the areas where they desired to take steps to help themselves feel better — more grounded, more peaceful, more connected.
In between these virtual groups, they checked in as a community, supporting one another as they collectively pursued a holistic path towards increased well-being.
As I heard their stories, so similar in the struggles, I just kept thinking to myself:
Who parents the parent? Who mothers the mother?
Not too, too long ago, our ancestors stayed close to one another. The older generation of women lived and worked right alongside new mothers who needed lots of guidance and support. In our modern world, with the freedom to move around easily and quickly, we’ve lost much of that natural, built-in support. Like much of my own motherhood journey, many of the moms I speak to don’t have the social support network that provides them room to breathe (or maybe just take a shower!), step back, get rest, and get the help needed to tackle the various tasks in a day. Add in the isolation of the pandemic, and we’ve got a trainwreck on our hands. Not good for parents. Not good for kids.
Our modern world is easier today in so many ways (thank you, washer + dryer!), but in many other important ways, it’s harder. It’s lonelier. Today’s parenting culture is high expectations mixed with less tangible help. (An equation that leads to burnout!)
Online communities, as wonderful as they are, are no stand-in for in-person support. Parents today have to work even harder to build those support systems: someone to help watch the kids, someone to help with housework, someone to pour one’s heart out when feeling vulnerable and scared.
As we wrapped up CULTIVATE this week, the women spoke about how helpful it was simply knowing that there were other moms out there struggling like them. They shared how they really didn’t have opportunities in their daily life to safely and vulnerably discuss these struggles. Of course, we probably all know that other parents struggle— in the abstract. But it’s different when those experiences are explicitly shared.
The Well-Being Doctor’s Orders
I hope that if you’re a parent out there reading this right now, you recognize the inherent difficulties that come with living in our modern world and (this is important!) give yourself grace. Keep perspective. We simply cannot expect ourselves to be everything to everyone and not crumble under the pressure of it all. If there’s anything I’ve learned as a mom who formerly tried to do everything on her own (I was so stubborn!), it’s the power of self-compassion and surrender.
We need to:
Say NO to anything that’s not really important.
Learn to ask for help.
Get REAL support.
Find our tribe where we can be open and honest about life.
And take good, good care of ourselves.
“Belong, Be Well”—
Dr. Andrea
