Internal Family Systems and Self-Discovery: How Meeting My Inner Parts Changed Everything
Over the past few years, Internal Family Systems (IFS) has moved from the realm of psychotherapy into mainstream conversations about healing, self-awareness, and personal growth. Books, podcasts, and even social media are filled with discussions about "parts work" and the idea that we are not just one unified self, but a collection of inner voices—each with its own needs, fears, and roles.
For me, this journey started almost 20 years ago, long before IFS became widely known. As a graduate student in my mid-20s, I was introduced to IFS through my therapist, a soft-spoken, wise woman with a PhD in counseling psychology who also happened to be a professor at the University of Virginia. What I learned in those sessions continues to shape the way I approach my well-being today.
Looking back, I see how the principles of IFS not only helped me navigate that chapter of my life but also remain incredibly useful for anyone seeking to understand themselves on a deeper level. Through the years, though I was never certified in IFS, I often leaned on it for my own conceptualization of cases.
The Moment I Met My Inner Family
I first entered therapy because I knew I was struggling, but I didn’t yet have the words for what was happening inside me. I was 26. I had just broken off an engagement—a relationship I cherished but couldn’t commit to—just the idea of getting married triggered old fears I couldn’t ignore.
Earlier relational trauma in my childhood had left me with a strong fear of abandonment, making it hard for me to trust and fully open myself in love. No matter how much I tried to convince myself otherwise, part of me always expected that closeness would lead to pain and loss.
At the same time, I was juggling an exhausting drive for perfection in every other area of my life. My professors had commented more than once that I was trying to be "Superwoman," excelling in my studies while also raising my six-year-old as a single mother. They saw the pressure I was putting on myself, and deep down, so did I—but I didn’t know how to stop.
Exactly what ball was I going to allow myself to drop? Nope. It was not an option.
IFS helped me see that these struggles weren’t just random challenges. They were different parts of me, each doing its best to protect me in its own way.
Through IFS, I learned to recognize these inner parts, including:
The Protector – The part of me that kept my heart guarded in relationships, afraid that vulnerability would lead to abandonment.
The Overachiever – The part that drove me relentlessly, believing that if I could just be perfect, I would be safe, loved, and in control.
The Inner Critic – The voice that constantly questioned if I was doing enough, smart enough, or worthy enough.
The Wounded Child – The part holding onto early experiences of fear and loss, still shaping my decisions from behind the scenes.
Instead of seeing these parts as weaknesses, I began to understand that they had been trying to help me all along—even if their methods were outdated or exhausting. The real work wasn’t about shutting them down, but learning to communicate with them—offering them reassurance rather than letting them run the show.
How IFS Can Transform Your Own Well-Being
While my IFS journey started two decades ago, its principles are just as powerful today—perhaps even more so, given the growing awareness of how deeply our past experiences shape us. Whether you're new to IFS or simply curious about how it might help you, here are a few ways you can begin using it in your own self-exploration and well-being journey.
1. Recognize That You Are Made of Many Parts
Start paying attention to the different “voices” inside you. Maybe part of you wants to rest, but another part feels guilty about not being productive. Or maybe one part of you longs for deep connection, while another part is terrified of vulnerability. Instead of feeling conflicted or frustrated, try noticing these parts with curiosity.
Try this: When you catch yourself in an internal struggle, pause and ask, "Which part of me is feeling this way?"
2. Meet Your Parts with Compassion, Not Judgment
It’s easy to get frustrated with ourselves when we feel anxious, stuck, or self-critical. But IFS teaches us that these parts aren’t here to sabotage us—they’re trying to help in their own way. Instead of pushing them away, try having a conversation with them.
Try this: When an inner voice arises, ask it, "What are you trying to protect me from?" Then, listen.
3. Tap Into Your True Self—the One Beneath the Noise
In IFS, there’s a concept called the Self—the calm, compassionate, wise presence that exists beneath all our inner chatter. When we engage with our parts from this place, we can offer them reassurance instead of letting them control our lives.
Try this: When emotions feel overwhelming, take a deep breath and ask, "Who is observing all of this?" That’s your Self—the part of you that holds clarity, confidence, and wisdom.
4. Release the Need to "Fix" Yourself
IFS is not about eliminating parts of yourself—it’s about understanding them so they don’t have to work so hard to protect you. The goal is not to silence the inner critic or erase anxiety, but to develop a relationship with these parts so they can relax.
Try this: Instead of resisting a difficult feeling, imagine sitting next to it, asking what it needs from you.
IFS in Today’s World: A Tool for Inner Freedom
With IFS becoming so widely discussed in books, podcasts, and even self-coaching circles, many people are realizing that healing isn’t about "fixing" themselves—it’s about learning to work with all the different aspects of who they are.
I’m particularly encouraged by this because I have long been repelled by the idea that we (or my clients) need to be “fixed.”
One of the most profound benefits of this process is how it supports the development of secure attachment. As we build a compassionate relationship with our inner parts, we naturally strengthen our ability to feel safe, connected, and grounded in relationships with others. When we learn to soothe our own fears and meet our emotional needs from a place of self-leadership, we bring that same security into our relationships. (For a deeper dive into secure attachment, check out my article on PositivePsychology.com here.)
Looking back, I’m grateful I stumbled into this work before it was widely known. But I’m even more grateful that it’s now accessible to so many people looking for a new way to engage with their emotions, struggles, and inner narratives.
And speaking of serendipity—here’s a fun fact:
A few years ago, decades after my first IFS experience, I was having brunch with a girlfriend in the Berkshires when I unexpectedly met Dr. Richard Schwartz, the founder of Internal Family Systems himself. As if that wasn’t already a full-circle moment, Gabby Bernstein—who recently wrote Self-Help, a book exploring IFS—was there too. It was one of those magical, small-world encounters that reminded me how powerful this work is and how far it has come in reaching people who need it.
A Simple IFS Practice to Try Today
If you’re curious about how to start using IFS in your own life, here’s a simple practice you can try whenever you’re feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or emotionally conflicted:
The 3-Step "Meet Your Parts" Practice
Pause & Notice – The next time you feel anxious, self-critical, or torn about something, pause for a moment and ask yourself: What part of me is feeling this way right now?
Get Curious – Instead of pushing the feeling away, imagine sitting down with it like an old friend. Ask it: What are you trying to do for me? What are you afraid would happen if you stepped back?
Respond with Compassion – Rather than fighting or fixing this part, try thanking it: I see that you’re working really hard to protect me. I appreciate you. See if just acknowledging it helps soften the intensity of the emotion.
This simple practice can help you begin shifting from self-judgment to self-understanding, allowing all your parts to feel heard—without letting them take over.
I hope these prompts give you a sense of how you can incorporate IFS into your life even if you’re not working with a therapist.
Happy flourishing!
Dr. Andrea
